Broke up, moved out, radiated, exhausted.
I go in and out of feeling sad, sick, terrible, anxious and lonely. I get the occasional glimpse of what it's like not to hurt this much. It's something.
My dog was evicted from dad's place upstate yesterday for biting my stepmother. 3 times. Not good. She's pissed.
I miss him. I hate myself for that weakness and hate him for what he is doing and I still miss him. I cry all day long. I saw our Calvin Klein sheets on display at Macy's yesterday while buying supplies for my rented single bed and I wanted to die. I accidentally gave away our same set of $300 Calvin sheets and duvet cover to the gal who bought our bed for $25.00 off Craig's List at 9:00am the day I moved. Took me ages to pay that off with my crap salary. She got the comforter too, Didn't realize it was in the bag. She was adorable though and totally deserved a break. I'm glad she has it and trust it will serve her well.
Whatever. It's only Stuff. Will deal with a duvet in the fall when it gets cold because right now it's 91 in NYC. Why keep looking at that damn pattern we chose together anyway? Torture.
He's gone. I'm better off I know, but hate this and hate him and feel so sad for Honey who keeps a constant vigil for him. No matter where we are. She looks so incredibly sad. Yet again, she's a cocker spaniel, they always look sad.
I am happy to have my Honey dog back but at the same time so, so, so destroyed that this is really happening.
Most likely these feelings are merely the result of a post radiation crash. It happens. My back is apparently breaking. This remains a mystery and I refuse to accept it.
I sometimes think I will not make it. Then my friends step in and do amazing things. Install an a/c unit, move my whole place around to make it better. Make me wait in the hall so as to not to lift anything heavy while they shift beds and boxes etc.
Random phone calls. Invites to whatever. Invited specifically to come live here, with a dog and for less than what I'd pay in way out Brooklyn. Amazing things really. I am blessed. Thank you. All. It is saving my life. It is meaningful and I will return the favors however I can.
Why do I miss him then? Crazy AND stupid. Nice.
What an idiot. Heal dammit! Time needs to speed up right...now!
Be gone! No more sad. Please.
Next time, flowers and sunsets and castles in Spain. Or meditations from Costa Rica. You are all invited.
Enough said.
Love and light
K x
It takes a lot of strength to feel this way. Keep up the good work, you're holding up better than most. All my love to you, hun.
ReplyDelete-Becca
Please, do not blame and do not hate yourself. It is as it is. You're human being, you have feelings and emotions. I had a bad-bad-bad-terrible break-up in relationship in winter of 2008. I still sometimes feel sad. It is life. It's totally ok. And, yes, it's great you do have Honey. And I think you re doing fine. Because this is a step-by-step movement. And it's not easy. Love you.
ReplyDeleteDasha