Falling

He's officially gone.

I helped out by guarding the U-Haul while he went up and down loading half our stuff into the back and heading off to drive the 900 miles alone. The truck was brand spanking new and had 2 big air conditioned seats up front, one of which would remain empty. I felt sad. Numb. Odd. Honey watched him go. At one point she actually whacked the moving trolley with her front paw. She's hilarious. Not so funny when I got home from shopping and she'd peed on the couch I was about to sell. Spent the better part of the day cleaning that up. Thanks for the $800 pee Honey. It's like Seinfeld, "Poppy peed on the couch"-

but I digress.

Don't fear change. Don't resist. Resistance is futile.

I decided afterward to rearrange the room so that it was indeed mine. With half our stuff gone, the place is even bigger and brighter, I kind of love it. However, it suddenly felt eerily empty and I had to get out. Went downtown to meet the girls and go to some hipster swank rooftop pool party in the lower east side. It was all that I had anticipated, velvet rope waits for no apparent reason, over priced drinks and a hipster crowd all packed onto a tiny outdoor deck with a wading pool stickered with Andy Warhol images at the bottom. DJ Bruce was awesome though and it was a pretty good diversion from the crap feelings I was having. Dinner at Boca Chica was good, I was so hungry but need to remember not to eat big. Radiation and tummy: bad news. Live in the light. Keep the flow. Positive social interaction. Word.

Falling.

I hardly slept. The bed feels empty, the apartment, hollow. He's really gone this time. Think I had another anxiety attack. So stupid. With all the support of friends and family and still when left alone I feel like the loser. Anxieties over money and what to do and on and on. Just feeling alone. Awful. Falling backward.

Radiation began this week. Day 1 was a wretched 4 hour fiasco that left me wrecked and on the verge of tears yet again. I went alone but he was home when I got back. He took me out for a well earned margarita. It was nice and I will miss that part of us terribly. I already do.

The rest was cake. Easy, in and out. I do feel wierd. My head hurts, my stomach is in bits and my back feels ultra fragile. No wonder as they're zapping me clear across my spine on a daily basis. Everything feels heavy. I'm friggin tired.

As the radiation machine completes 2 slow circles, I'm reminded of the spaceship in 2001, I hear Stravinsky. It's the drunk spins yet I'm completely sober. Hope it's working, pray it's killing this damn tumor so I can live my life!

He arrived in Chicago safely this morning, I just got a text. "how are you"? he asks.

"Congratulations"! I write back. "The place feels wierd without you" I add.

"yeah, it's wierd" he admits.

Falling.

And Then

And then there were none.

No more feelings.

He's taken to starting fights in order to get a reaction to then say to me, and I quote,

"this is why I'm leaving you".

Sound paranoid? Too right. It's awful. My skin has literally dried out with the overly salty tears shed, the incessant crying for the last 3 weeks. Regrets, apologies, penance. Punishment.

I'm done now, and angry. He recently accused me of smoking again. Seriously. Smoking, really. When I reacted he told me that he doesn't care anymore anyway. "It's your life why bother"? I was so hurt and reactive, I probably looked even more guilty in his eyes. There's no winning here. I need to not be around him now. There's no right thing to say. Ever.

I don't know what's worse, the fact he accused me of lying or the fact he no longer cares.

I'm not lying by the way, haven't smoked in years, he's insane. Now I feel like I am too.

It is becoming the ugly awful breakup that he feels he needs to be the better man. What kind of man leaves his partner of 3 years during radiation? He feels guilty. Another bad ball in my court, not one I want at all but one I'll get the blame for.

I start radiation next week for a cancer lingering in my lower spine. The meeting with the doctor last week was harsh, over an hour long and resulting in an agreement to a simulation the very next day. Treatment will be daily. For 4 weeks. WTF. Thank you to my friend Deborah who came with me taking notes, spending most of her day walking on a bad knee or sitting in a waiting room. Lunch on me next time.

My mother needs to come out apparently. I'll need care, apparently. Radiation oncologist (who looks like Amma, the hugging guru from India btw) has suggested I leave NY and move closer to family. To Cali. Yikes. I have to move out in 3 weeks. Really?? I can't deal! Really frustrated and angry now. She says, treatment 1st priority, the rest will fall into place. Jeez maybe she really is Amma.

Mr. I want to marry you for 3 years is now Mr. F*** off I'm leaving. Not just me but our dog too whom we adopted together. How can he possibly look into her big brown eyes and not love her? He's a guy. That's how. "I'm not staying together over a dog", his actual quote.

Sorry good guys, just another moment to vent and I'll stop.

(I had written "he's a Brit" originally but chose not to offend my true and good British friends of which there are many).

So,

Then there were none. Fine. If that's really how he feels about me. Go. I hate being with anyone who can't or won't even try to understand. It's all I do for my friends, it's all we have really. Compassion and understanding for each other. Boyfriends/girlfriends are not exempt from this and need to be held accountable. If I messed up, I apologize, profoundly. But...

No more nice.

Lovely Deb. (fabulous artist and textile designer friend from yoga and hours of waiting rooms) offered today to cook for me while I go through radiation, asking if I'll have a freezer in the new place because she's making me spaghetti sauce.... Crying-again!! Lovely tears of gratitude and thankful for kindness in the world. Even here in NYC.

Mom has realigned her whole work schedule to get here to be with me, hoping we can have some fun together regardless. We usually do.

Dad and Eileen have even agreed to take Honey dog for a summer vacay upstate while I go through treatment, if need be. Could be a win win.

Thank you. All.

Love. Healing. Patience. Peace.

Aside note: Honey's dreaming next to me, chasing dream squirrels, twitching, running and barking through closed lips. So cute.

How could anyone leave her?