So, another new year.
I wish I were feeling more hopeful, but I just can't seem to shake this sadness. I miss David, still. Because I'm an Idiot.
I can't find a home for Honey and I don't really want to lose her anyway. Cancer is back again-on top of the cancer from 8 months ago. The big scan was yesterday to see what's happening. Results to be read with the doc tomorrow. I've got some weird colitis again, my stomach has sharp, shrieking pain 24/7. I can barely walk, doubled over and not happy. I'm missing yoga, subbing out classes and even cancelled a private client. Sucks. Maybe it was the barium?
Maybe it's the stress. My dad has recently been ill and nearly died from side effects of his cancer treatments. It was touch and go there for a while. I visited as much as possible, called every day. He is stable once again, but it was a wake up call for him. And me.
Scanxiety.
The above was written in January.
The results of my scans were not good.
The whole stomach pain thing? Cancer. All over the liver. Inoperable. Lesions everywhere on the surface where the nerves are, making it hurt. I was scheduled at once to surgically place the port back into my chest. Chemo and Herceptin began immediately. The pain was getting worse by the day and a week later I was unable to eat, unable to work and very much alone.
The chemo wreaked havoc at first, combined with the painful lesions, I got all the wierdo side effects, mouth sores, rashes, couldn't eat, couldn't even swallow. Lost 10 more pounds. They just gave me tons of oxycodone and told me to take it. I did, I had to.
I had help from my friends, buying groceries, walking my dog, making sure I was ok. Mom came out from Ca. and saved my life, cooking, crocheting and being a general mom. It makes all the difference to wake up to the smell of homemade chicken soup on the stove. It changed everything. I started to feel better, appetite back, chemo shrinking the lesions and 3 weeks later, back to work. It took weeks to gain strength again and it's still not back all the way yet. Trying to run for the subway with weak, skinny legs made of rubber-not good. I run late for pretty much everything now.
I move again April 1st. On top of treatment I was running around looking at crappy apartments on the edges of town that I can afford, that take dogs. Honey is no way leaving me now. Too much loss already, she stays with me. I may have found a decent studio, I've applied with mom as co signer- disability and working off the books is no good for getting a lease in my name. Feeling low and poor, so nice. I miss joy. I miss being happy and free. I feel so isolated and sad now. That was close. Cancer sucks. It is coming at me faster and more aggressively than ever and I have to face it. I may not have alot of time left. How do I wish to spend it? Not with 5 roommates in Brooklyn, that's for sure. And not without my dog.
I'm feeling better and after I write this, I'm off to teach a private and then go to work at the bar. Like nothing happened. I am feeling better and getting stronger by the day once again. Took a Yin yoga class last night which was excruciating but ultimately felt better for it. It's frustrating to watch my practice diminish but need to leave the ego behind and stop worrying about judgements of others, and myself. Now is the time to be extra kind and forgiving.
This is life. This is what happens. Death, disease, loss, separation. All inevitable. It makes the joyful moments so, so much more valuable. If I had one regret it would be that I didn't see it sooner.
Famous last words.
