Falling

He's officially gone.

I helped out by guarding the U-Haul while he went up and down loading half our stuff into the back and heading off to drive the 900 miles alone. The truck was brand spanking new and had 2 big air conditioned seats up front, one of which would remain empty. I felt sad. Numb. Odd. Honey watched him go. At one point she actually whacked the moving trolley with her front paw. She's hilarious. Not so funny when I got home from shopping and she'd peed on the couch I was about to sell. Spent the better part of the day cleaning that up. Thanks for the $800 pee Honey. It's like Seinfeld, "Poppy peed on the couch"-

but I digress.

Don't fear change. Don't resist. Resistance is futile.

I decided afterward to rearrange the room so that it was indeed mine. With half our stuff gone, the place is even bigger and brighter, I kind of love it. However, it suddenly felt eerily empty and I had to get out. Went downtown to meet the girls and go to some hipster swank rooftop pool party in the lower east side. It was all that I had anticipated, velvet rope waits for no apparent reason, over priced drinks and a hipster crowd all packed onto a tiny outdoor deck with a wading pool stickered with Andy Warhol images at the bottom. DJ Bruce was awesome though and it was a pretty good diversion from the crap feelings I was having. Dinner at Boca Chica was good, I was so hungry but need to remember not to eat big. Radiation and tummy: bad news. Live in the light. Keep the flow. Positive social interaction. Word.

Falling.

I hardly slept. The bed feels empty, the apartment, hollow. He's really gone this time. Think I had another anxiety attack. So stupid. With all the support of friends and family and still when left alone I feel like the loser. Anxieties over money and what to do and on and on. Just feeling alone. Awful. Falling backward.

Radiation began this week. Day 1 was a wretched 4 hour fiasco that left me wrecked and on the verge of tears yet again. I went alone but he was home when I got back. He took me out for a well earned margarita. It was nice and I will miss that part of us terribly. I already do.

The rest was cake. Easy, in and out. I do feel wierd. My head hurts, my stomach is in bits and my back feels ultra fragile. No wonder as they're zapping me clear across my spine on a daily basis. Everything feels heavy. I'm friggin tired.

As the radiation machine completes 2 slow circles, I'm reminded of the spaceship in 2001, I hear Stravinsky. It's the drunk spins yet I'm completely sober. Hope it's working, pray it's killing this damn tumor so I can live my life!

He arrived in Chicago safely this morning, I just got a text. "how are you"? he asks.

"Congratulations"! I write back. "The place feels wierd without you" I add.

"yeah, it's wierd" he admits.

Falling.