And Then

And then there were none.

No more feelings.

He's taken to starting fights in order to get a reaction to then say to me, and I quote,

"this is why I'm leaving you".

Sound paranoid? Too right. It's awful. My skin has literally dried out with the overly salty tears shed, the incessant crying for the last 3 weeks. Regrets, apologies, penance. Punishment.

I'm done now, and angry. He recently accused me of smoking again. Seriously. Smoking, really. When I reacted he told me that he doesn't care anymore anyway. "It's your life why bother"? I was so hurt and reactive, I probably looked even more guilty in his eyes. There's no winning here. I need to not be around him now. There's no right thing to say. Ever.

I don't know what's worse, the fact he accused me of lying or the fact he no longer cares.

I'm not lying by the way, haven't smoked in years, he's insane. Now I feel like I am too.

It is becoming the ugly awful breakup that he feels he needs to be the better man. What kind of man leaves his partner of 3 years during radiation? He feels guilty. Another bad ball in my court, not one I want at all but one I'll get the blame for.

I start radiation next week for a cancer lingering in my lower spine. The meeting with the doctor last week was harsh, over an hour long and resulting in an agreement to a simulation the very next day. Treatment will be daily. For 4 weeks. WTF. Thank you to my friend Deborah who came with me taking notes, spending most of her day walking on a bad knee or sitting in a waiting room. Lunch on me next time.

My mother needs to come out apparently. I'll need care, apparently. Radiation oncologist (who looks like Amma, the hugging guru from India btw) has suggested I leave NY and move closer to family. To Cali. Yikes. I have to move out in 3 weeks. Really?? I can't deal! Really frustrated and angry now. She says, treatment 1st priority, the rest will fall into place. Jeez maybe she really is Amma.

Mr. I want to marry you for 3 years is now Mr. F*** off I'm leaving. Not just me but our dog too whom we adopted together. How can he possibly look into her big brown eyes and not love her? He's a guy. That's how. "I'm not staying together over a dog", his actual quote.

Sorry good guys, just another moment to vent and I'll stop.

(I had written "he's a Brit" originally but chose not to offend my true and good British friends of which there are many).

So,

Then there were none. Fine. If that's really how he feels about me. Go. I hate being with anyone who can't or won't even try to understand. It's all I do for my friends, it's all we have really. Compassion and understanding for each other. Boyfriends/girlfriends are not exempt from this and need to be held accountable. If I messed up, I apologize, profoundly. But...

No more nice.

Lovely Deb. (fabulous artist and textile designer friend from yoga and hours of waiting rooms) offered today to cook for me while I go through radiation, asking if I'll have a freezer in the new place because she's making me spaghetti sauce.... Crying-again!! Lovely tears of gratitude and thankful for kindness in the world. Even here in NYC.

Mom has realigned her whole work schedule to get here to be with me, hoping we can have some fun together regardless. We usually do.

Dad and Eileen have even agreed to take Honey dog for a summer vacay upstate while I go through treatment, if need be. Could be a win win.

Thank you. All.

Love. Healing. Patience. Peace.

Aside note: Honey's dreaming next to me, chasing dream squirrels, twitching, running and barking through closed lips. So cute.

How could anyone leave her?