One o' those days

Another day waking before sunrise, too early to get up too stressed to go back to sleep. I wander around the soon to be gone apartment in the barely there light of a dreary rain soaked dawn. I go back to bed just as he's waking up. I fall asleep and have bad dreams. Very bad. I cannot breathe at all. Awake, he packs to leave for another life, seeking an apartment in another city, flight leaves at noon. We watch, the dog and I.

Outside, we watch as he gets in a cab and drives off. She keeps looking back and refuses to walk any further. She finally pees, then tries to take me back to where we left him. She thinks all men in suits hailing Cabs are him. It's cute. It breaks my heart.

Class at noon, crap, late. Running like mad to get there on time, racing down the subway stairs, swipe the card- "Insufficient Fare"! Crap. I run to the machine just in time to be cut off by a flock of tourists who have no idea where they are or what they're doing. Run to the opposite end of the station, get the card, train coming, hurry hurry. Got it, Run down the stairs, doors close in my face.

I get there, barely. Patience. Class is hard today, my body is totally exhausted yet I keep pushing, keep running. Legs are cramping, back is groaning the usual complaints, nearing threats of spasm. Feelings catching up, move faster, go harder. Leave early to make the next appt. Leaving the changing room, pull out the shades and out flies my favorite all natural Iris perfume oil from England. It falls and shatters leaving splinters of glass and all of my rare oils on the floor. I clean it up thoroughly, nearing tears again. "I'll never afford that again" I think. Thinking.

Running to the next thing, therapy at Cancercare with a licensed social worker. Now running late from the whole perfume debacle. Just miss the crosstown bus. Run to 6th ave just miss the express bus uptown. Went to the subway, just miss the 1 uptown. Really? Now it's like some crazy conspiracy. It got warm and humid. Sticky and crying I run. I get there. I cry some more.

Home at last to the "end of life" apartment. Honey needs out. She is happy to see me. I have a letter from England. It's from his mom. She's just saying how much I'm in her thoughts with all the medical stuff going on. How much they care about me, his parents. They are lovely.

I cry again.

Patience.