New Directions

Pronounced "no erections", it was a halfway house for women in Orange County, Ca back in the 80's. I spent 30 days there. That was after a 30 day stint in hospital rehab. for abuse of illicit and powerful narcotics. I rarely think of those times, it was several lifetimes ago. I was young. The fear of addiction stays with me and mercifully the desire has been long been lifted. Scared straight. I was lucky to get out relatively intact. The percentage of kids getting clean for good was something like 3%. Or so they told us at the time. It was before getting clean/sober was cool, before the VH1 reality shows and the celebrity status, but only just. Liz Taylor (rest her soul) was one of the first to out herself on that front. To great applause and admiration I might add. For me it was a nightmare and one I never wish to relive.

I mention New Directions because I am fully into the show "Glee" right now (though just started season 1). It's the name of the group in the show. It's a Netflix guilty pleasure and one that the soon to be ex-boyfriend would never, ever watch in a million years. He hates musicals. Fully understandable. I, on the other hand, was raised in the performing arts. My life was all about the stage. 13 years in training, 2 full scholarships to ABT. Turned Baryshnikov himself down and quit to go to art school. I still love and miss it. Giselle, Coppelia, Don Q. Paquita, Swan Lake. Like all good child celebs I developed this ridiculous drug problem which stemmed in feeling never good enough. Ever. That and a family history, a genetic code that forces even the most stoic into submission to the all mighty high. It's an old story and one that wears me out. Who cares. Over. I am good enough. There is no perfect anything. Cancer sets one thing straight. It's fight or die. Thoughts like those will put you over the edge into that negative ninth ring of hell from which there is no return.

So do lovers who stop loving you for being who you are. People who bail at the first sign of un-ease. People who want to marry you one minute and abandon you the next.

I am done. I have to be strong, walk away and know I could never make it right.

I'll never be perfect enough for him.

I may be alone for the rest of my life but at least I will not feel forever wrong in someone else's eyes.

Never, ever look at myself through his eyes. It's none of my business what he thinks of me and I'll never change his opinion.

Sad and sick. I am watching "Glee" because it's all about joy and who you are and nerdy outcasts who always turn out to be great. It's bad, it's good it's fun. It's about talent. I used to have that. He'll never know about that side. The good stuff.

To him, I'm just some chick with issues.

To me that just sad. Empty. Shallow.

-and breaks into sad dance routine---now.