Losing Stuff

Non attachment, or vairagya, is one of the yoga sutras (not unlike the commandments).  It's in there amongst ahimsa/non violence and abhyasa/practice.  It's deeply connected to the practice part.  Without constant practice we will just keep hanging on to the stuff that's not working.


I am convinced that my lesson in this life is non attachment.  I have lost everything like 4 times over now. Is it "loss" or what I perceive as loss?  Did I really need it?
Was I just rescued from my own perceptions of what I NEED?  What I WANT? 


..."But Daddy, I want it NOW!!!"  Veruca Salt, Willie Wonka.  And me, all the time.


I've been taking stock of all of the things that I have lost recently due to this crap cancer.  The list includes 26 lymphnodes, 1 breast and 2 boyfriends.
There are more things, but really, do we need things?  What makes us happy?  Is it really our idea of happiness or someone else's?  Did that idea come from a box or the internet?  Who needs any of it?  Actually, I do miss the lymphnodes, but I digress.


The latest loss will be my dog Honey.  I just can't keep her any longer and it's breaking my heart.  We got her as a couple and it took 2 of us to get her where she is now compared to the skinny neurotic waif she was when she was found on death row at Animal Control 3 years ago.  The "guy"  bailed on both of us.  I lost him and lost our home a few months ago.
I couldn't afford a decent place in NYC on my own, let alone with a dog!


But I did, and I do it.  Her vet check ups are current.   Heartworm/flea meds are ordered online, she gets Wellness canned food, no wheat, no chemicals, and no dry food.  She has boxes of toys, clothes, brushes, shampoos healthier than mine.  Treats, raw hides and suppliments, oh my.  I love getting her stuff, making her happy.  It's also a bribe to keep her quiet.  We've bonded, she loves me and I love her.  She follows me everywhere, talks to me constantly-I think she's telling dumb jokes, mostly about David, but don't speak dog so can't be sure.  She cries softly when I pet her.
She sleeps next to me at night.


I put down a hefty dog deposit for this incredible studio sublet that I lucked into lately.  It's beautiful here.  it's also a commute across the river and impossible for me to get home between jobs.  It's sometimes 10-12 hours out, welcome to freelance.  Not to mention, the crap cancer is back.  Chemo again if this therapy isn't working.  A reality.  "Think positive" they say.


Honey is howling/barking like mad while I'm out.  My dick neighbors went straight to MGMT and I received 2 formal complaints.  I hired a dog walker.
Her humane no bark collar arrived in the mail today from Amazon.com.  $50 more.  Ka-ching. 


I am exhausted and feel like a prisoner here, I don't dare go out at night in case she pulls another midnight bark fest.


She needs more attention and training.  I move again in April, no idea where.  I have to let her go.  Here's hoping there is someone out there who will love her as much as I do.  Until then I will keep her.

She's got her eye on me right  now, feigning sleep but making sure I'm not leaving.
Oh God.




Loss.  Vairagya.  You choose.


How did my mom do this with 2 kids-and make it?