Pissy Offy

It's been a while since the last post and wish I could say it's all better now, castles in Spain and all that. I can't. I will say it gets a bit better each day. Then back to hell. Then back to better, and so on. Work is great, work is incessant and work is necessary to not think about what's really going on. My body is giving out and the post-apocolyptic side effects of radiation are in full effect. The dizzy wierd is now being followed by scary numbness and weirdo chest pains. Back pains are just plain terrifying. Deny.

Heart has the all clear. Dr. Lando Calrissian said so (actually a Cardiologist that kinda looked like the Star Wars’ untrustworthy character but is cute so who cares). It's probably just anxiety and being a yoga teacher who practices often, I am offended. Really? Anxiety? I try to do the right things and still feel awful all the time. My newer normal? Hate it, mean it.

My patience is gone today. I am angry and tired and desperately in need of a break. The deposit from "OUR" place has been dispersed at last, after a wait of nearly 2 months. They gave him half. He's apparently just gotten a promotion. He tells me about his 28th story apt with the killer views, pool downstairs with yoga classes led by some hot young yoga teacher attended by the “bitches with the long hair. His own washer and dryer. Why? Why tell me, unless he is truly sadistic, a trait I am coming to suspect more and more each time we speak. Damn. Disappointing.

I’m the one left behind during cancer with the dog he no longer wants, in the 5 floor walkup with all of “our” things crammed into a closet with no closet. Thanks. Way to marry someone. So angry. So hurt. No way around it, he sucks. I don't care who reads it anymore. It's true. Onwards and upwards.

It actually sucks more to meet someone cool again. I have no trust, like it matters. There’s always someone better, younger, faster. NY is a veritable candy store for singles. You can’t throw a rock without randomly hitting a model-I’ve tried-kidding. It’s a wretched place for meeting anyone of substance (as He used to tell me all the time).

Fact is I did meet this great person tonight, so like me, same background, same cities, same arts education, same AGE!!! Plus he’s tall, and cute in that super sexy, artist cool guy way.

These guys are all alike. Perfectly matched to me yet will seek out the youngest, most beautifully perfect, most wealthy, most anything I’m not and bring them into my bar so that I can serve them both with a smile. Then they’ll get drunk and make out, or better yet, disappear into the bathroom together. Classy. Later I’ll come home exhausted and broken. Punched in the soul. It happens all the time. Who needs that?

Such is the life of the non-pretty girl.

Add cancer and it gets super fun!

I hate everyone.

(not you)

Love and light

Pray for a change. This time things will be different.